Drawing Noses

 I'm sitting here, next to my dog who likes to keep me very warm by cuddling up right next to me. And I realize just two more days for the blog. It doesn't feel like it's been two weeks; I mean at times it was a struggle but I feel like I've pinpointed where the struggle was, downtimes. Like now, I am semi wrapped up, the dog is sleeping next to me while the laundry and dishwasher are going, and I'm writing this blog. I did join some art groups on google plus and added some people, but that was today. I love feeling my dog breathe as he lay next to me. (I should invent a pillow the simulates breathing; I bet that would bring in money.)
 I did do some drawing last night, I was practicing noses. Noses can be difficult because they are often a defining feature. Getting back to what helped make me, me has been really nice- almost like a homecoming. The first time I went to school a lot of things got in my way about returning, all financial. These things were out of my control; I feel that now. But school and art were so wrapped up in my created identity that when school was taken away from me, I froze. I took a five year leave of absence but those five years came and went. I was getting all set to go back; I had a loan ready, financial aid was set and then I did something stupid: I listened to someone else's insecurities but that isn't the whole truth I was told that I needed to have the money to get financial aid. I would also need an apartment and a job in Boston. I had it in Worcester. The decision was made to lower my sights to Worcester Art Museum (WAM), at least I thought it was lowering my sights but it wasn't. I took fantastic courses with fantastic people and teachers. The only issue was it wasn't accredited, they were adult classes. But I got to take classes for free, which is always great.
 Attachments, and desire. In Buddhism we are taught that these two things are the cause of suffering. And it's true. I take my past lessons seriously. Facebook is easy compared to other things I've given up. During that time I also became addicted, for lack of a better word, to fortune tellers. It seems so silly but it was a comfort to hear about my future, that somehow it would be okay or if not it would confirm my suspicions.  I don't believe now. I don't believe there is an ultimate destiny but a culmination of our actions and inactions and meaning life has, if at all, we put it there. We define the meaning ourselves by living moments, sometimes shared and sometimes not.