I'm probably the only student who will be continuing this blog in addition to the one I started on Wordpress. It will keep me writing and should keep my mind active. Today is a long a day, it would be normally, okay who am I kidding, I usually end up in school earlier then I need to be. Just going in to fill some paper for a job isn't adding time just taking away time from something I would rather be  doing.  It's for a background check, so it shouldn't take that long. Once it's done I'll have to go back and do the other paper. That will probably happen sometime later in the week.
 What a busy day yesterday! I have to admit something, I really like Baltimore a lot. It's got an amazing vibe and it's artsy, more so then DC. The art scene seems to be unified and MICA isn't some wall flower like Corcoran any of the other art departments of Schools in DC. DC is not really artsy, I'm sure that half of it is from the forced gentrification of neighborhoods. Developers seeing dollar signs, all cartoon like, they jump in and ignore everything else. They remind me of the Christopher Llyod in Roger Rabbit, the guy who wanted to destroy toon town.

a let down

 So I started to unfriend and unfollow people on Facebook; I think I'll just go off of it again.But not today, these cramps are getting better but I still feel blah. I have a headache from hell. I know my husband will want to go for a walk later on. All I want to do is nap, which I might start doing soon. Everything is annoying me today; everything is punch worthy. Yesterday was worse, but I'm still feel pretty shitty. I'm having one of those days when I don't have the patience to deal nor do I want to deal.

Have Fun Radio Land, Have Fun.

The last night and dinner is in the oven. We just got home about thirty minutes ago, maybe forty-five, it was a long day and at least part of it I'd like to do over, like the part of the Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink exploding in my bag.
The dog is going mental and he's been walking since about five. They walked to Eastern Market, and that's about two miles from our house. That's not counting the walking to get Potomac. He should be knocked out, although I think he is overtire because he is a bit ornery and brattish. I have my coffee and my silence.
Today we were asked about what we'll do after the two weeks, I'm continuing this blog as well as starting one one Wordpress, not sure why- I mean neither of my blogs are about anything or at least anyone thing. They are just ramblings, mussed, barely passing, missives some might verge on musings but only slightly. Jon says my writing has a very Beat style, which can be either good or bad depending on the writer and book. It make sense, my writings originally developed in bars and coffee houses on napkins and then progressed, not always well and some might even say digressed. But I would write just like I would paint, even if that writing was bad. As my friend would say "bad poetry comes from the sincerest of emotions" and it's true. (Wes, you hit the nail on the head with that one.)
I'm going to keep writing maybe it will land some place good or maybe it will just be a tumble weed on a land mind. Either way, it's time to say sayonara.
Have fun radio land.

rants..

I need to blog about this, this post on google plus that pisses me off because it reduces women to little girls that need protecting from the big bad world. I reposted it on my google plus account and basically it is saying that we want to be protected like daughters, respected like mothers and loved like wives.
First of all if a guy I'm sleeping with thinks of my like a daughter or mother something is wrong. I'm not either, at least not to him. My father was great but I don't need another one. It just seems to say we as women are still looking for the Prince that somehow we are unable to command or deserve the repeat we get on our own. We must fit into rolls that some one deemed respectable. It almost falls into the Madonna/Whore or Virgin/Slut territory. Those stereotypes piss me. They assume women can't enjoy sex and be a good person. A woman has the right to sleep with as many, or as little, people she wants to. End of discussion. Let me qualify this and say not at the expense of other people, without prior knowledge and consent from all parties involved.
People have different needs. Some don't monogamy and that's terrific. Just be honest about it. We are sexual beings and that's perfectly okay. We are human beings more then perfectly able to make our decisions and pick ourselves up after a stumble or two. I don't know any weak women; I know women who don't know their own strength and are afraid to be single. I know women who are overly dependent on their partners. (This can happen in lesbian relationships as well.) I know women who are afraid. But none of them are weak and they all have capability of do it for themselves.

Drawing Noses

 I'm sitting here, next to my dog who likes to keep me very warm by cuddling up right next to me. And I realize just two more days for the blog. It doesn't feel like it's been two weeks; I mean at times it was a struggle but I feel like I've pinpointed where the struggle was, downtimes. Like now, I am semi wrapped up, the dog is sleeping next to me while the laundry and dishwasher are going, and I'm writing this blog. I did join some art groups on google plus and added some people, but that was today. I love feeling my dog breathe as he lay next to me. (I should invent a pillow the simulates breathing; I bet that would bring in money.)
 I did do some drawing last night, I was practicing noses. Noses can be difficult because they are often a defining feature. Getting back to what helped make me, me has been really nice- almost like a homecoming. The first time I went to school a lot of things got in my way about returning, all financial. These things were out of my control; I feel that now. But school and art were so wrapped up in my created identity that when school was taken away from me, I froze. I took a five year leave of absence but those five years came and went. I was getting all set to go back; I had a loan ready, financial aid was set and then I did something stupid: I listened to someone else's insecurities but that isn't the whole truth I was told that I needed to have the money to get financial aid. I would also need an apartment and a job in Boston. I had it in Worcester. The decision was made to lower my sights to Worcester Art Museum (WAM), at least I thought it was lowering my sights but it wasn't. I took fantastic courses with fantastic people and teachers. The only issue was it wasn't accredited, they were adult classes. But I got to take classes for free, which is always great.
 Attachments, and desire. In Buddhism we are taught that these two things are the cause of suffering. And it's true. I take my past lessons seriously. Facebook is easy compared to other things I've given up. During that time I also became addicted, for lack of a better word, to fortune tellers. It seems so silly but it was a comfort to hear about my future, that somehow it would be okay or if not it would confirm my suspicions.  I don't believe now. I don't believe there is an ultimate destiny but a culmination of our actions and inactions and meaning life has, if at all, we put it there. We define the meaning ourselves by living moments, sometimes shared and sometimes not.

one year ago today

April skies opened up and poured over us. I can still hear the soft pats, and an email notification shows up reminding me that it's been a year since the Boston bombing. My mind goes to a friend of a friend who was comforting a child injured from the bombing. It still seems surreal. Those actions hit in a place I consider at home. Posts from my friends that day were like "there's a lot of smoke coming from Boylston Street." I know a lot of people drank heavily that night and watched the ensuing chase on TV. I've walked down those streets, friends lived down the street from the bombers. I don't doubt the older brother had something to do with a triple murder that happened in Waltham.

But a year later, after the shock and the worry I needed to be reminded by an email notification. I'm a little disturbed by that, but maybe I shouldn't be. I am not really connected to this, I wasn't there. I was here, yet it hits me like I was there; friends of mine were there.  People that I am connected to by other people, were there. It feels personal. 

It's Later.

So it's later, about nine hours or so later. I was greeted at Union Station by Jon and our dog, Jackson, who is now sitting at my feet. I'm home and in my shorts listening to the microwave defrosting what will be part of our dinner and watching the dog as I type this. He's laying on my feet, which feels nice. I like this tactile comfort, well I like tactile comfort period. I like feeling touch. It's such a grounding feeling. Giving Facebook up was a lot easier then I thought it would be. I thought it would be harder. It could have been and at one time I don't think I could. But I am now. Half of the ease of it was keeping my mind distracted and keeping myself busy. It's definitely true that it's harder when you dwell on something that you don't have, because you see it all around you. You just notice it more. This is has got me wondering and asking why do I even need a smart phone? I can see a cell, but to be honest I only got mine in 2006, eight years ago. And a cell would have been mighty handy in the days of dial up, especially since we only had one line.
I'm over hearing a conversation between Jon and his mother, sometimes I feel guilty about leaving work to go to school. Financially it seems to have hurt us but Jon feels stuck in his job. He's supportive of me going back to school, and we both know we'll be better off once I am done but honestly I have tremendous guilt about that. I carry a lot of guilt around though. ALOT.
The house is quiet, downtime has crept in as I am waiting to make the rest of dinner.

Here is a Cat.

This will be a short post, because it's 11:16 and I need to finish getting ready for my Monday classes. I'm starting to miss it less and less in the morning. I realize how little need I have for the computer and even then the word need seems to be a bit to strong.  Use is probably the better term. I'll add more tonight. My head and eyes are pounding. So here is a cat:

Talk and Silence. (I think I am going to go read now.)

Today didn't go exactly as planned; Hollie just left. We had these plans to go to the museums but exhaustion has hit. We did go to the arboretum, which is now my place to go for the blossoms. The Tidal Basin is cool and all, especially at night; however, the mini pink forests within the arboretum can't be beat. Jon and I will be going back today sans dog. It was too much with him. He's still overtired from last night's walk.

But now the temptation is there again, because, you guessed it, downtime. The quietness, the emptiness and near vegetative state I am about to enter isn't helping. Now would be the time.  I'm really not missing much, I know this. I just want to post some photos. I do have a game plan when I sign on again. I'm going to delete half of my friends, mostly people I knew in high school and people I haven't met, well, most of those anyways. It's just too heavy. It can't be a big part of my life anymore. I just don't relate to half of the people I am friends with because I'm not who I was 20 years ago. And neither are they. We are connected only by shared memories. Granted most of those memories could be used as blackmail material, but they are memories. The blossoms that get carried in the wind have more of a physical presence. This is not to downplay memories. But some relationships, whether it be friendships, family, acquaintances,etc. have a shelf life. Other relationships don't. Those are the ones I want to concentrate on both in the physical and ethereal world of the internet. 

The visit with Hollie was fantastic. I miss her and the group of people I knew; the ones that even though separated we sort of grew in a similar way. We can still talk and we can still be silent. So here are some purdy pictures from this morning. 

Coming and or Going

So this morning I started to write about last night and I just finished. Now it's on to this one.
Today was another active, busy day. It was an actual busy day and not the kind that feels busy but nothing really happens or gets things done but an actual day that I was out of the house for. Philosophy class was the start of my day; that lead to an unpleasant ride home as I was swearing like a sailor because, you know, assholes on the road alert. I got really ragey and a little Hulk like, except for the green and the growing. I wanted to smash but just wind up screaming. I hate where Florida, P, and New York all sort of intersects around the Wendy's. It's aggravating enough without construction but add the factor in and I make a sailor blush. Jon, Hollie and myself ventured out a bit later, it was late enough that festival only cost five dollars to get in and late enough not to wait in line for food as well as being late enough that they ran out of Parasols. I wasn't the only one looking for the rice paper umbrella either. So a little hint for next year: stock more.
We were going to meet up with our other friends David and Bonnie, which we did briefly. Well I briefly did. Jon went with them to the Tidal Basin and Hollie and I went to the Festival then the Portrait Museum. I'm glad I didn't go to the Basin by the sounds of it, and I wish I got to the Festival earlier for the reasons stated above. I want a damn umbrella! I love them.
The Museum was awesome. We didn't get to do the whole thing but we saw what we went there for. Tomorrow we going to the Museum of the American Indian, Conservatory Air and Space Museum. We'll even try to hit the Jefferson Memorial.
Right now it's one in the morning, again, my belly is full of Thai and I'm sleepy. Good night.

Exercises in Tree Hugging

Last night was long, but in a good way. Hollie and I went to the Tidal Basin and the Reflecting Pool and walked around until midnight.  I took some photos for references for future drawings. The trees were exquisite. The blossoms had a delicate smell that filled the night air as bats flew and fishes were jumping. It felt quite surreal underneath the night sky. I am in love with Cherry trees, the blossoms and the contrast to the gnarly trunks. Has anyone ever tried hugging a tree because I have and it feels good; especially if I am in the midst of full blown anxiety attack. It's a physical act the produces a serene state. I love hugging trees and sometimes they hug back. Hey, I am allowed to believe it. Taking a stroll around the monuments is something that I like doing, especially at night. I love the FDR and MLK memorials; they just seem to fit together. It could be the stone but the energy feels similar. The Korean War memorial is gut wrenching. It wasn't even a war but a Police Action. My dad missed that War. He was in the Marines at the end of WWII; in 1948 and was honorably discharged in 1950 because of his asthma. One of his brothers was an ambulance driver for a MASH unit in Korea, which I find funny. The statues seem so ghostly amongst the make shift rice paddies, made of evergreen shrubs and black marble. How the marble is laid out reminds me of the parallel lines the would, like the 38 or 42. It seems the ink black marble does double duty in that piece. It's a strong work. I like it the best of all the War Memorials I've been too. Life has been good without Facebook. I'll go back to it perhaps not like I was with it but in those downtown times, why not?

Possibilities and Promises

I've been cleaning like a mad person. As I was wrote yesterday my friend Hollie is coming to visit today. She's currently on the last leg of a cross country trip that I am envious us, because it doesn't involve moving and having a loaded with stuff and two crying cats.
It's now the period of down time; however, I am thinking about finishing vacuuming I'm just waiting for a text about ETA. I need to finish this blogpost before she arrives. My place looks a thousand times better, and for that I am happy.
It's short and sweet today, at least for now. I'm going to be a bit busy living life this weekend. Hollie is a reader and writer so she'll understand if I decide to blog. I'm looking forward to this weekend with it's possibilities and promises of fun and reunions.

The Town Crier Reinvented

Okay so at one point today I was really tempted to go FB to announce that I finally found a job. It's been since October, and we've been hurting without my income. It's true what they say when you make more your spending goes up. It didn't help that DC had us in the wrong property tax category, bumping our mortgage up $600.00. That alone should help.
The news made me elated. I had been applying to something like 8 jobs a week. It doesn't sound like a lot, looking at that number. I mean it's eight, not even double digits, but with writing cover letters, and a blurb it gets daunting. So on Facebook I would go. It's discouraging when you don't hear from a job. Sometimes I'd send out more, sometimes less. Anyway, I now have a job at Utrecht/Blick art supplies.
Maybe, just maybe I'll feel interesting again. I'll be working with actual artists who show and go to school. That's exciting to me. I like being around people who take making art seriously.
The job it won't start for a few weeks so I'll be able to concentrate on finals. Not having a job really made me feel somehow less and not worthy,  the good old Protestant Work Ethic kicking in.
At least I announced it on here. I will have to let my cousins know via phone.

Weeds, Facebook and Getting Things Done.

  So I cleaned outside instead of going on Facebook this morning. It's still not totally clean but I moved all the wood from Saturday's project, which still needs to be finished but hey. I'm liking how the results are looking. It looks like three of my plants didn't survive; sage (I still have doubts), rosemary, and oregano. The savory and thyme are sprouting back. A tomato plant, or two are sprouting. And the catnip is pulled up, which I sort of feel bad for but like any other mint it runs amok if not contained. I sprayed the patio down. I'll finish this either tomorrow or Friday. I also want to pick up the side yard; it's not ours but it is attached to our house. It's too small to build anything on even though at one time there was a structure there. You can see the foundation it's like an ancient ruin sticking out of the dirt. The last time we looked it belong to some woman in New Jersey but taxes on it haven't been paid for a while. I want clean it up and plant some flowers. Maybe people will stop throwing their 40's and trash on it. Our neighbors across the street don't deserve to look at that, nor does anyone. I was thinking about planting raspberries for the neighbor hood kids to eat, but they spread. I also don't want to be excuse of bringing rats to our neighborhood or some shit like that. Flowers will be nice. Ideas, it's nice to have them. I'd also like the pocketbook to fund them.

 I have a long time friend coming over this weekend. She is one of the coolest ladies I know. She use to own and run a coffee house that I loved, it was called Klekolo, (read about them here:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gina-athena-ulysse/klekolo-coffee_b_2276740.html) I've known her since she opened the shopped. She also has great bonfires at her home. Okay, now I am missing home. My true home. Just thinking about Middletown is making me smile but I'm thinking about how it was when I left. Tibetan Buddhist monks on the corner, a Hindu temple on the outskirts, the river, and knowing people. That use to bug me, but I sort of miss it. I miss running into people. I think that is why I use Social Media. It's like bumping into a friend at the grocery store, or a coffee house. I've reconnected with people that were really special to me and still are. Hollie is one of them. Usually I'd be on Facebook to try to communicate with her, but instead we are using the phone.

 I have to admit I accidentally clicked on the Facebook bookmark, yes it was an accident. I was trying to refresh the page I was on. It was closed immediately. Jon kept showing me pictures our friend Richard was posting of himself. They were funny. I yelled at him, admittedly it was after the third one.

Well the job interview is done; it was short but good. It's nothing big just working at the Corcoran Gallery gift shop only on weekends. It would be a job but nothing too substantial. I might be bringing home 100-150 but it's better then the goose eggs I'm currently bringing in. Money may not bring happiness but it brings security, it helps to pay the bills and keep the roof over my head and feed my dog. Personally I'm hoping I get the job I interviewed for last week, which is at Utrecht, glamorous I know.
Anyway. Yeah. My feet are up and the new shoes are off. The blisters are pulsating. This is done. My other paper is done. I should start my final sometime soon, but before that I need to do algebra. My feet are pulsing, and my dog is whining. It's a really heart wrenching sound ever. The kicker is he has his toys and I can hear him eating between whines. He's probably laying down too.

I don't like to dwell on what I'm giving up for a couple of reasons, one it makes the temptation all the more powerful and it seems like a waste of energy. But.. today I'll give in and write about what I miss. Today is especially hard. I'm having some downtime and it seems like I want to pop in and say Hi to some friends of mine. But I'm not. Yesterday and Sunday I wanted to take photos and post them. I use Facebook a lot but hey I'm not thinking about it a lot, mostly.
Why does today feel different?  I'm not feeling well, so I am staying home until my job interview.  I feel busier here then I do at school,  I'm constantly running after the dog, laundry is getting done, the dishes are mostly done, other cleaning still needs to get done. And it will just not at this moment. I'm dozing off. At the computer.
Another load is in the washer and the floor has been swept. I have to finish paper for my printmaking class in which we had to go to an exhibit do three sketches and write about a print that stroke us. The print I choose was called the Modell by Rolf Nesch. It's from 1929. He's considered a Norwegian artist but born in Germany. He moved to Norway when Hitler came into power. The print is captivating, well the expression is. She looks angry and annoyed. She is sort of hunched and her eyes are looking down. The pools of shadow, created by aquatint around here eyes help capture attitude. The print being shown is a called a state, which is a series of artist proofs. When we have a state we are just checking what the print looks like and how we can improve it.

scattered

What a day, in a mostly good way. Even though it was one of those days where I needed coffee to make coffee. I woke up late, but we went to bad late. Jon and Joe were installing shutters, they managed to get the living room done, (it was only one window) and our bedroom.  They stopped when it hit 1:30 in the morning when we took Joe home. I spent the time entertaining the dog, reading and making dinner, oh and cleaning up the mess.
Today, as I was saying, what a day. We went on a small road trip to get out of the house and we made it to Indian Head, after stopping at Fort Washington. The day was almost perfect. The sun was out and it did get chilly. But the daffodils were out and the grass looked that bright green it get's when winter is finally over. I was loving that. We were driving through neighborhoods, everything seemed so tidy and almost perfect. The red brick houses with bright yellow forsythia and the green lawn. It makes feel like Easter morning and working out in the garden with my dad.

It's almost one in the morning so I'm not sure if this is my second blog of yesterday or the first of today's. I haven't gone to sleep yet so I'm going with option one. My freakout from this morning is embarrassing. I knew that it was a miscommunication about time. I don't remember her saying ten though. So it's a bit of my memory as well.

Good lord I am tired. But my husband and our friend Joe are installing shutters; I've been mainly taking care of the dog and cleaning two pairs of shutters. School has eaten up a lot of my time today and yesterday. Upstairs the saw or the drill is going and my dog cuddles with me on the couch. I hear tools and anticipate the sound of feet coming down the stairs. I'm starting to lose myself in my sleepiness fading in and out and my eyes still open but barely.

Hmmth

I just thought about trying to find someone on Facebook I need to connect with about a key. I can't and now may waste three hours of my life waiting. I can't print because I need clean hands and my boards need to dry from yesterday. So yeah. I just cut the paper I need for Monday to run another state and the final edition for the viewing.

I know I should have asked for her phone number. I'm sort of pissed.

Time lapse edit: she showed up I was wrong about the times. Any way it will be a productive morning. Now I need to think about lunch. 

I'm tired. I'm cold. the second post.

I see why I go on social media sites, like Facebook looking at my husband as he is nose deep with his phone. I could bitch and moan about it but I'd sound like a 16 year old. He must pay attention to me at all times! But only when I want him too! (insert sarcasm) I think I've been hanging with my two cats for too long. Sometimes I do feel a disconnect, like I have to yell "Hey I'm still here." He feels it. I know because he tells me. I think I need to start speaking my mind.

I'm cold. And tired. My stomach is full of pickled vegetables and chicken. The take out boxes are stacked on top of each other like a jenga puzzle and I hear my soda fizzing. Pop pop pop like little pellets of freezing rain hitting the window.

Am I cut out for this? What? This. THIS.

I'm tired and entering that whiney territory were it all seems life or death, you have just entered melo- dramaticville. It's all in my head but I'm not feeling well. The smell of dinner is making nauseous, I can feel it in my throat and I feel like it's winter time.

day zero

Day one of the Facebook cleanse or purge or whatever, it is a much needed break. It’s been easy but I’ve been busy.  But now let’s see how I’ll cope while perusing craigslist for jobs, checking my emails, and other online stuff that can be tedious as all hell.

I'd like to think I was more involved with what ever was going on around me today like being in the print room for six hours, then going to Utrecht. Coming home on the X2 without looking at it on my phone was hard. I just like to turn invisible and not be noticed.

But I don't want to talk about that. It's boring. Instead I am going to talk about what I am focusing that energy on, making art. The mediums may change to fit the idea and the vision. This annoys some people. My ex husband was one of them. He had a singular, hyper focus sort of vision. He was a musician. That's all he wanted to do. I am not singular focus. Hyper focused, yes,  but the focus and medium will change. He hated that, I think it was because he couldn’t change focus.

Anyway I did my second state of my collagraph, which quite literally means a collage print. They’re fun and easy and if you have a press (ink and paper too.) cheap. I like printmaking and it serves as a reminder of how much I miss drawing, painting and creating art in general.